Assassination: Dear Prospective Politician
Dear Prospective Politician,
You will agree that yesterday’s cold blooded assassination of the ANPP gubernatorial candidate in Borno State, Alhaji Gubri, in front of his house in Maiduguri, is beastly, pitiful and scary. It shows that the chairmen of Nigerian politics have not repented nor gone sober. Outcries of the public and the roars of the security operatives at past assassinations have not touched their hearts. Shouldn’t you be shitting into your pants now? If not for the new lifeline, I would have told you to start this moment.
I hereby introduce Politics Preparatory School. O, don’t get so excited. The dirt of politics will not be taught. What shall be taught are the goodness…that is by the way anyway. The main will be how to 100% prevent yourself from being assassinated. Well, in the path you have chosen, nothing is guaranteed. But be rest assured, if you are felled, your spirit will smile away.
Really? Yes really, you would have given the the chairmen hell. Remember how in primary schools’ fight, the aim of the losing boy is to deal his opponent an unforgettable, deathly blow so as to earn some respect? Good, but you should rather survive.
The goal of the project is to make you a hard nut that will break the audacious teeth. You will be engaged in series of rigorous, military styled drills. Can you see a plus here? No? Eh, you better start thinking fast. Anyway, there will be no pot belly for you! By that, even if you eat all the money in CBN’s vault, your stomach will be as flat as the tummy of a bamboo-fat model. The best part still, is that the drills will be so into you that until you sneak into a country with no Interpol romance, your slender mien will sadistically endear you to many.
Fatness is the sign of good living in our society. Almost all eyes will naively pity your plight. They won’t see how richer than credit-worthy, old Dubai you are. Your only prayer is for EFCC to also walk by sight. But not too worry, there will be no jealousy inspired petition against you.
How happy you are now but make no mistake, the project is no charitable NGO’s. The proprietor will have to pay their bills. You will pay school fees. Hei hei, wonders shall never cease. You of all persons is crying wayo. But who wants to 419 you? Not all Nigerians attempt to make dubious gains from terrible situations, you know. The proprietors are only saving your life but whether the high school fees that will in no way be up to the 10% of your first salary is dearer than your life, you will say, positively to no one.
I will not haggle the fixed fees on behalf of the proprietors. I will only ask you to be useful. Tell your serious friends, no, their apprehensive wives, to apply for their admission forms from training@ppschool.com. Ah, one thing, those with no AK47 defying juju need not apply, the proprietors said.
Yours.
